Mother's Day

As I sit here thinking about what it is to be a mother, I realize that my perspective on the role is different than it was last year.  Not to a huge extent, but different enough that today I don't want to beat myself up.  I don't care if the house is clean or not.  I don't care if I get any accolades or cards or chocolates or gifts.  I don't care if my family waits on me or if I have to do the tedious tasks of life by myself.
I am a good mom.  I have a great husband and some great kids.  I have a good life.  I focus on the negative way too often.  Even when I'm trying to focus on the positive, all it takes is one little negative thing, and I'm wallowing again.  I don't want to be like that.  So, today, I'm not going to be.

I'm sure learning a lot!  I'm gaining new skills.  I'm relating better with people.  Growth is painful, but it's good.

I've been blessed with a wonderful, funny, sweet, tender, determined, talented, spiritual man, whom I was blessed enough to marry in the temple.  We started our relationship off right, and that temple marriage has supported us and carried us through extreme difficulties that could have torn us apart.  We both honor our covenants, and we both want to progress spiritually until we have an Eternal marriage, and that common ground--that solid rock--is what keeps our marriage from crumbling when the wind blows and the ground shakes.  And there have been many tornadoes and earthquakes through our twenty years together.  I am extremely grateful for him, and I can't express enough how sorry I am if I ever complained about him to any of you.  He is a worthy, wonderful man!  No matter what has happened, he has stuck by me, and I have stuck by him.  There are very few people in the world I can say that about. 

I've been blessed with kids who love me and treat me well.  Who help me when things get too tough.  Once again, Kira helped me bathe Jessi last night after a major seizure.  Jason helped with the heavy lifting, but when it got to the point where I needed to disrobe Jessi, Kira was right there, helping me out.  Not many 10 year olds out there can deal with what she deals with.  The other day, she listed for me the things that she's stressed about, and she said that no 4th grader should have to deal with those things.  I agree.  But she does a beautiful job!  Russell is a rock, and an example to me of how to live the gospel with exactness.  Jessi is sweet and honest and being around her is life-changing.  Maida is always teaching me something new.

I am grateful for my life.  I am grateful for my mother and my mother-in-law, who have walked these paths before me.  I am grateful for their words of encouragement and love.  I am grateful for their patience, particularly for my mother's patience.  I wonder if, after our long conversations, she hangs up the phone and thinks, "Well, she finally learned that lesson!"  I spent the first half of my life doing what I wanted to do, and I will spend the second half of my life apologizing--mostly to her.   Although, I have lots of apologies to give--to my mother, my husband, my kids.

Sometimes, the best way to apologize is to change.  So, I don't care if the house is clean today.  I don't care if I feel pampered or not.  Just hold me in your arms for a while.  Just tell me you love me.  Just spend time with me and laugh with me and give me a lovely moment or two.  Buoy me up and let me lift you as well.  Let's heal each others' wounds and love each other today.

Happy Mother's Day.