Now that I've been a student long enough to take two tests, I have a slightly better idea what I've gotten myself into. And....
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
Today was kind of a melt-down day as I prepared 50 flashcards for my anthropology test on Monday and tried to ignore the economics homework screaming for my attention. I also tried to ignore the piles of laundry, the dying (ok, maybe dead) lawn, the clutter lining every wall of my house and the list of projects I wasn't able to finish over the summer. Biting guilt over my inability to do EVERYTHING made me impatient and snappish and emotionally unstable. Crying at IHOP over my pancakes. Crying on the phone while talking to my mom about her cousin who died after a few months of emotional instability characterized by overwhelming fear. Yelling at Kira for no reason. Yelling at Russ for no reason. Complaining to Jason about virtually everything. Feeling sorry for me, me, me.
The crazy thing is that I'm really enjoying school. I love learning again (not that I ever really stopped.) I absolutely love going to class--especially research methods!--and watching my professors as they share what they know. I love having intelligent conversations about abstract topics that I'm only beginning to grasp. I love that a few of the students have asked me for help--though I'm not sure if they're asking me because I'm a motherly figure or if they perceive me as smart. Though either perception is pretty cool. It fills me in a way that I've missed, and the fact that my grades are good (so far--there is that test on Monday) gives me confidence and hope. I'll have to write about some of the things I'm learning. There are so many things. :)
It's stressful, but worth it. When I see Kira get excited about the thought of going to college, and I see her take responsibility for her increasing load of homework, I think this might all be worth it. When Russ and I can talk about what he's studying, and I can promise to keep my notes from economics so he might have a leg up on his class next semester, I think this might all be worth it. When I think of my earning potential--which will grow exponentially after one year of school--and I realize that our hopes for getting out of debt and setting up a trust fund for Jessica are one step closer to reality, I think this might all be worth it.
I just hope my family feels the same way.
And I need to find a way to deal with stress that doesn't involve crying, yelling, complaining, or feeling sorry for myself when I am truly, truly blessed.
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