Transitions

Ever jumped into a pool of cold water?  No dangling your toe over the surface, debating.  Just jump.  Cannonball.  Sometimes, it's the best way to transition--experience the shock full on, then shiver for a while, keep moving, then adjust.

My life is full of cold water shocks.

Maida moved out last Friday.  I found out about it two days earlier.  Did I mention she moved in with a boy?  Yeah, it was a bit of a shock.   Oh well.  I'm sitting on the porch, drinking lemonade and watching her from afar.  I love you.  Go grow up.  I'll be here if you need me.

Tonight, I went to a meeting where we discussed Jessi's future.  It left me shivering.  They even call it a transition meeting.  Her schooling for the next three years will happen at the "Canyons Transition Academy".  There, they help Jessica (and her family) adjust to disabled adult life.  Letting Maida grow up is one thing.  How do I do that with Jessi?  How do I transition?  Can't exactly drink lemonade.

There won't be school buses next year.  She will take UTA everywhere.  I can't express the fear that grips me when I think about her trying to take a UTA somewhere by herself.  They won't have her take the bus by herself at first, especially if they don't believe she is able to, but they will try to teach her how so that some day she will go solo.  She can't stay on any schedule without me keeping time.  I dress her in the morning, not because she can't dress herself, but because she takes way too long.  If I leave her to her own devices, she will take an hour and a half to get dressed, take her meds, and eat breakfast.  She'll do all those things on her own, but very, very slowly.  Adults can't do that.  She can't do that if she's adjusting to a bus schedule.  I have nightmares about her being lost in public after missing a bus, unable to find me, unable to tell anyone where she lives, unable to express her needs.  How can she possibly function in society?  How can she grow up?

I really wish she could stay little.  I know all mothers say that at one time or another, but I really mean it. 

Oh, I hate being cold!