Too much to think about.

What a thought provoking weekend it's been. I wanted to write about things earlier, but there were just too many thoughts in my head to sort them all out.

First, we found out that my hubby's brother died. Jason comes from a HUGE family, and this was one of the brothers from his father's first family, so Jason didn't know this brother particularly well. Mark led a hard life, filled with drug abuse, then rehabilitation, then he became a mentor to others like himself. I think in our eighteen years of marriage, I met Mark less than ten times, and we never had a deep conversation. Still, it makes me think of the idea that blood is thicker than water. Here's a man we barely know, but his death still touched us. It's rather remarkable.

On Saturday, we attended a wedding reception for one of the nephews from the same side of the family as Mark. Since we rarely see these family members, we usually take opportunities such as these (weddings and funerals) to get caught up on everything that has happened in the year or so since we saw each other last. We discovered that one of Jason's sisters is in the process of a divorce. Again, this is a relative that I know little about, but she has a son who has has a severe seizure disorder and has been very ill since he was small. He's not much younger than our autistic daughter, so I've always felt a connection with this sister. To hear that her husband left her with such a difficult situation hurt me. I couldn't help but think that there is a Special Hell designed for men who leave women with handicapped children. I know it's not fair to think that way since I basically know nothing about the situation, but I can't help but liken her situation to mine and imagine how I would feel in her situation.

I've also found myself missing my theater friends far more than I thought I would. When you do a show, you spend all your spare time with a group of people. Those people become more like family than your extended family is, simply because you see them more. However, when the show ends, most theater friendships seem to end as well. Apparently blood is thicker than theater.

These thoughts began spinning when I talked for a couple of hours with a friend of mine last night. She revealed to me her deep resentment, even bitterness, for her husband. "As soon as the kids are grown, I'm out. I won't put up with the way he treats me anymore," she said. She described some of the ways he had broken her heart, and I realized my heart had been broken in many of the same ways. And yet, he is still my Sweetheart and I have no intentions to leave him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a doormat--especially after conversations like the one I had with this friend of mine. If I had allowed the conversation to rile me up and make me feel like a victim, I could have come home angry and defensive. The fact is, every married woman I know has felt over-looked and under-appreciated by her husband. Just as importantly, I'm sure every husband has felt over-looked and under-appreciated by his wife. I know mine has. Is this grounds for divorce? Is this why Jason's brother-in-law is leaving Jason's sister? Does he simply feel over-looked? When we marry, do we not move beyond friendship and become blood? Doesn't marriage tie our lives together in a way that can't be severed with the strike of a set and a bow at the end of the show? Am I wrong to think that marriage should be more than a hobby or a choice, or even a way of life? Marriage should be a long series of choices--dedicated choices--that bring two people closer together while they navigate the roads of life. If individuals in a marriage have different destinations, how can they truly be married? If our spouse becomes our blood, shouldn't we be there to support each other and reconnect and comfort each other when times are hard or joyful? Shouldn't we be there for each other LONG after the fun of the show ends?

I am lucky. Lucky that my marriage is improving rather than falling apart. Lucky that he seems to want the same things I want. Lucky that he agrees about the special hell and he has no desire to go there.

Marriage should mean more than it does to our society. We should think of a spouse more like family so that we don't create the temporary, convenient nature of basic friendship within the marriage. It's amazing the kind of abuse, neglect, and lack of love or understanding we endure and forgive from our siblings and extended families, and how little we're willing to put up with from our spouses.

Bottom line: go hug your spouse. They probably need it. And life's too short to be bitter.